I originally wrote this as a blog on MySpace, but this place seems kinda dead, so I thought I'd post it here to get your thoughts,if you have any. Thanks!
My children are my life. When they came into my life it seemed that all my problems melted away & all I wanted to do was make sure they were raised in a happy environment. This has made me less than popular with most of my in-laws, but I couldnít see how their way was helping.
Iíve been alienated, trashed & even bad-mouthed to my own kids. I can say it was worth it! I donít care about my problems, I can be falling apart & my kids are the first things on my mind. Iíll take the criticism & ridicule & whatever anyone can dish out at me, so long as I feel good about how theyíre being raised.
It was hard, but Iíve learned how to put most (if not all) of my emotional baggage aside to put them first. Iím not saying Iím the best mom, or even a great mom, but I know that when it comes down to it, my kids know how much I love them & how much I want for them to be happy, functional, & healthy individuals. They know because I tell them. They know that because I try my hardest to show them.
Iím not saying that I can successfully pull it off all the time, I do slip up, but I know that my kids are going to be ok, because they both have people to support them & love them unconditionally. These people help my kids to understand the things that are complicated about adults, in a way that shows them that no matter what, they are loved.
I do feel guilty, I feel like a lot of my medical problems have affected them in some ways & I feel guilty because I donít know how to make it up to them. I hope that one day I will be able to. They are the only reason Iíve been as strong as I have been. Some people tell me how strong I am to have overcome a lot of trauma, illness & injury. This isnít true, Iím very weak, I draw my strength from them. If they werenít in my life, I would have given up a long time ago! I owe my life to mt stepson & when heís old enough to understand, I will tell him about it.
He is his Motherís moon & stars & he is the sun that lights my day! I am incredibly lucky to have been blessed with him! My son is my little swan, heís as graceful as a one legged duck & has a beautiful soul. The more he grows & learns, the more whole I become. I couldnít imagine my life without them! My life would be so empty, & I would be hollow.
I cannot empathize or understand these parents who just abandon their kids & make no apologies for it! I canít understand it! I can understand being young & making mistakes, that I get, but to continually pass your kids over for any reason is so unnatural.
My mother did this to me & I know several moms that are doing this to their kids now & it drives me crazy.
So I guess that whole thing was an introduction to something thatís going on in my life right now. I have a friend that Iíve known since high school. He was actually a friend of the guy I was dating at the time (we dated for 2 years) & I became acquainted with his girlfriend. It wasnít uncommon for all of us to hang out, or go double to a lot of events or places.
I really didnít like his girlfriend. I would have never hung out with her on my own; I only tolerated her because she was his girlfriend. She was the kind of person who used drugs because she thought it was cool, & not for the experience. She was the kind of girl who got engaged to every guy she ever dated & after they broke up, they became awful people. She was the kind of girl that intentionally got into stupid situation & embellished them later for attention, or lied about them completely. She was/is a cheater, but will make up any lie to cover up her infidelities. (Seriously, who gets slipped date rape drugs 5 times in their life by 5 different guys, in 5 different situations?)
I always thought she would grow out of it. When she became engaged to my friend, I was devastated. I knew it wouldnít work out, but part of me still held out hope that she would grow up. She confessed to me that she was pregnant about 3 months prior to the date she was supposed to marry my friend.
After the wedding, my relationship with my boyfriend deteriorated & I lost contact with both of them. I thought about them from time to time, but I never made it a point to seek them out.
Recently, I ran into my friend again (Iíll call him ďJoeĒ) & he told me that she (weíll call her ďJezebelĒ, just for fun) had left him for another man, after becoming addicted to opioid painkillers. Iíd seen her a few weeks earlier & sheíd shot me a bunch of shit about how she just couldnít take it anymore & how awful Joe was to her, blah, blah, blah. She said that Joeís father had set it up so that sheíd lose the kids in court & that she was only allowed to see her kids once or twice a month.
I didnít buy it, nor did I care, I was dealing with my own shit at the time. When I saw him, I learned that it was quite the opposite! SHE was ignoring her kids & when she had visitation, she left them with her parents & only saw them for a couple of hours.
Meanwhile, sheís telling everyone whoíll listen that Joe has taken the kids from her & turned them against her, sheís even saying that he was abusive to her! I know these things are untrue! If she cared so much about her kids, she would take the time during her visitation to spend every second with them!
When I found all this out I was devastated! She made 4 kids with Joe & just left them! These poor kids were being put through hell! I offered to help Joe out by keeping the kids if he needed a baby sitter. Heís going to school fulltime & working full time & I know he only has his parents to help him out with the kids.
Iíve kept the kids, (that consist of 3 girls, age 9, 6, & 5, & 1 boy whoíll be 2 in April) about 6 times now & Iíve fallen in love with them. My mom abandoned me; she left me with my grandparents & was never there for me when it counted! I know what these kids are going through & it breaks my heart!
Every time they come over, they clamor for my attention, they never want to leave & cry & beg to stay with me or come back the next day. Itís breaking my heart! The youngest girl has reverted back to sucking her thumb & wetting her pants, she even gets in trouble just so Iíll give her my full attention! The middle girl is constantly pulling my aside, to tell me ďsecretsĒ that are to stay ďjust between usĒ & the oldest girl has become a little mama ay nine years old! The baby boy cries to be held by me & wants to play constantly.
Tonight they came over again, & with the news that Iím going deaf & that Iím in for a few weeks of hell is looming over my head, but I was elated to spend time with them, especially while mt stepson is away for his Momís week. Tonight was especially hard, because they all cried for my attention & 2 of the girls slipped up & called me mom. I lost it! I went outside to smoke, & choked back tears.
I thought I was over the old wounds my mom inflicted on me, but seeing it happen with these babies is killing me. I fear that Joe will be weak & take Jezebel back if she tries to win him again. I fear that the children will become too attached to me & that I wonít have the time or energy to be with them. I fear they will grow up just like I did & make the same mistakes & more than anything, I fear that they will be so affected by their motherís shortcomings that they will repeat them or live their lives with abandonment issues & depression.
I want more than anything to hug them & take this pain away. I want to make them understand that they arenít supposed to go through something like this & that they DO NOT deserve it! I want to be there for them every waking moment, but thatís impossible. I wish there was more I could do. I want more than anything to hold my boys now & MAKE them understand that no mater what, we will all be there for them forever!
Out of all that ails me, this is by far the hardest to deal with. This is worse than gallstones, kidney stones, cysts, going deaf, & even seizures. I can medicate those things & they will pass, but how do I resolve this?
"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."
~Louisa May Alcott
"I'll break you in half.. I'M HUGE!" - Muze